4.26.2006

Sixteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest

I am officially taking suggestions to rid my yard of vermin. For the past 3 days I have been afflicted with a flower picking type A vermin.


Day One:
All but two of my tulips disappeared.
The lilies are all gone.

Day Two:
The remaining tulips are stolen, in addition one of my daffodils that might have been a narcissus - I think, as well as some of the grape hyacinths and assorted annuals.

Day Three:
TBD



What can I do? I've considered the following - setting up an intricate web of invisible lasers that surround the flower beds, the kind you can only see if you blow powder into the air, in the dark- which immediately terminates any "visitors".
Posting signs that threaten bodily harm and law enforcement. Jolly Roger flags placed in prominent places around the yard. Voodoo spells to curse any violators. Habanero powder carefully placed on all stems and leaves. Security camera and sign that instructs them to smile while they're caught. Calling off work and lying in wait - preferably with a weapon or vicious dog.

In reality I need to put up that fence around the front we've been talking about.
How many more attacks can my garden take? I hope not many.
I hate thieves, especially underage ones since I can't prosecute them - although they ARE less likely to carry guns in this neighborhood.

I am open for suggestions at this point.

On that note I'll leave you with a link to one of the funniest posts I've run across this week.

crazy human

12 comments:

cassie d said...

that was pretty fuggin' funny! Thank GAWD Nicole Kidman got out while she still could!

so who is this vermin? Is it your gnome? We have a Gnome, too. i think he made all our new shrubs die -

or it is the fact that the landladies haven't turned on the irrigation system yet.....

i like the photo with your hand!
or is it a little human's hand?
is it a wabbit?

i think you just need to put your dog out in front of your garden on a tether - a LONG tether....
that way she will be able to run after little vermin for a bit longer than necessary - just to put a little bit EXTRA fear of Hades into them....

cassie d said...

p.s.
it looks like your gnome has his pants around his ankles and it peeing in your garden. could this be the reason why your garden is dying? too much gnomish-ale?

Amber said...

uh, I think it's the neighborhood vandals, or someone who is too lazy to grown they're own freakin flowers. I found those pics online by googling "how to kill thieves" no really, not my hand, and I realized AFTER I put the picture of the gnome up that it's the farting gnome! what the hell is that about?

I found a really cool site for garden stuff
www.yardiac.com
I really want one of their greenhouses, but anyway, they sell motion activated sprinklers, I think that may do the trick, although Dilaram thinks that would just get stolen as well.
Trust me I thought about the dog thing until I realized that Anya would probably be even more destructive to my plants.

Amber said...

ps - I never said the garden is dying, just being slowly picked away at.

This and That said...

great link...he is such a freak. have no clever ideas for the garden thieves. i have a bunch of little buddhas and cachivaches (knickknacks) all over my front and backyard gardens and I am always shocked they never get taken. maybe the bad karma scares them..haha. I also have a gnome in the back which seems to scare the neighbors cat. what about getting a motion sensory light...which if they are bold thieves they may thank you for, but if they are just little kids it may scare them away.

Amber said...

I think the light won't help in this instance because I'm positive it's happening in the morning/early afternoon. I have checked before work at lunch and after work and it's happening probably after I leave for work, i.e. when little goats are all running off to school - right pass my house. I think the motion activated sprinkler is the best option, especially if I hook up some kind of burning fluids with the water.

Paul said...

Since answering a question with a question is sometimes considered rude, I hope you won't hate me because I'm beautiful... no, because I'm answering a blog with a blog. This is the answer to all of your woes: http://hive-mind.com/bee/blog/. And fighting scum and villainy with natural bees instead of chemicals or technology means that your garden remains totally organic!

Amber said...

That's funny Paul. And a good suggestion, except I'm terrified of bees myself. I didn't find any missing flowers today, maybe it's because they've picked most of the ones that you can pick without ripping the whole plant out.

cassie d said...

what about a new device called a "laser". With one of these "lasers" you could hook it up to an alarm system (or tape deck) and have your voice saying, "I am now calling the police" and at that moment, your doggie door opens and out comes Anya on a long tether.....

i'm serious, i think this "laser" thing might catch on.....

Amber said...

ha, yeah, ok dude, I can totally see Anya being all well behaved and not digging all my flowers up, or going bathroom in them. Also, the bee thing and the laser might not be the best idea if I want to keep getting my mail....
Do you have a link to the "Laser"?

Freilonka said...

Hmmmm, I think dogs are notorious for distroying gardens.... why not hire me to personally supervise your garden and arm me with a nice bb gun to shoot the perpetraitors? Thats would be a fun side job. I don't know why the little bastards think they can steal all your flowers. I mean sure, I pick flowers off peoples lawns, and from the plaza, but only when it is such a large grouping that taking a couple of blooms won't be noticed. Never when its a brand new garden.

Oh, and that site was great. I loved the fugly descriptions and pictures of Lindsey Lohan. She's such an easy target though.

S E E Quine said...

` Alrightie then... you should receive your robotic henchman in a week.