4.19.2006

Dog or God? Evian or Naive?

Top ten signs you are a Fundamentalist Christian:

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."


3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

9 comments:

Denny said...

holy shit amber, I guess im not really a christian at all. now your making me think all those years going to church i could have been doing other things.

Amber said...

This is a bit more defined than just a "christian" but "fundamentalist", but yes, you could have been doing other things for sure, refer to this

Denny said...

actually you are more right than you know. The sole motivating factor for me attending church so long after i was able to sustain my own thoughts on the subject was somthing that i still cant seem to grasp... It just so happened that i was after a certain girl that was in my bible study class. This flirtation(dim sum) went on for quite along time, way after i had given up on the church but yet i still continued to go and yet THIS is still the church i continue to worship. How odd indeed.

This and That said...

did you make up this list?...love it! on my block if you are a christian...which some of my neighbors are, you use a shotgun to scare squirrels out of your trees, or you have a pyrotechnics license and shoot off illegal fireworks all the month of July (or when you get drunk) and you also have assalt rifles and deal meth. pretty!
But you can somehow justify a bumpersticker that says "Terrorists agree: Vote for Kerry."

cassie d said...

that was pretty good! haha!
what i can't believe is the intolerance of these religious fanatics that also believe their rivaling sects are going to hell as well!
i've had a number of goof balls tell me that Catholosism is kinda like Christianity...but not really. Which is why i should go to church group with them to find the truth out about God.
yikes.

jason said...

best.post.ever.

Amber said...

I wish I had been the one to write this, sadly I am not. I found it floating around on the web. Jason! I wondered if you were still around. Good to see you are.

jason said...

I've been lazier than usual as of late. Work is killing me slowly...lots of long nights.

Laura said...

Nice, Amber... I believe I will have to make a trip to Gospel.com and leave my mark!! :-)