9.21.2006

Fuck this, Fuck that, oh, and fuck that other thing too

As I grow older am I much more able to recognize my immaturity and the grooves that it's worn down in my personality. I am also much quicker to anger, but in my mind it's for good reason, and not just silly little things like stealing my shirt or something.
Perhaps it's because I'm to the point where I can see bullshit coming from a lot further out, and I am not as tolerant of it, and try to keep it out of my life as much as possible.
It might also be that I'm just a bitch. Or maybe an elitist. Or maybe a separatist. Or maybe arrogant to a fault.
I might be all of these things, but that is not all, and the things that are part of that "not all" are why I am that way in the first place.
If I were merely a color right now, I would be the color of a bruise that still hurts after two weeks.

12 comments:

caffeinator_x said...

So, if I was sitting at a coffee shop, and someone (okay, YOU) suddenly stood up at a mic and recited what I just read, I'd have a big fat smile on my face.

(instead of thinking to myself "Crap, how did I get stuck in this open-mic poetry reading?" which is what I'd usually say)

I think that's my all time favorite entry of yours.

This and That said...

and for me, doing what I do for a living, I immediately think of where you may not be nourishing yourself enough with what makes you happy and wondering if in this pissed off state you wouldn't mind coming back here to kick a certain lame chiropractor's ass for me!!

Amber said...

I would kick ass, for you. And yes, I feel undernourished. I am evaluating what I must do to change this. The coffee shop must stop. Maybe once a month, but I need to start doing other things that make me happier, like having a life and being able to relax once in awhile. Sadly, everytime I work at the coffee shop I think about telling them and I think about how I'd like to just work there and quit my other job. Money does not allow for that, so, something must break. My life can be analyzed by using almost exclusively lyrics from Joy Division songs right now. How is that for angst?

bt said...

You have to have food for the heart and mind. Spend time with family, friends, by your self doing only what you want to do. I know I would have turned into a Midwest zombie (where my biggest aspiration in life would be to have a bigger truck and a boat to hang out at party cove at lake of the Ozarks and do country music karaoke on week nights) if it were not for my taking my constitutionals to recharge on the kind of experiences I want going through my head and to spend time with the kind of people I want surrounding me. Kicking ass can be pretty good for one's self too I suppose. When I think about it, you in particular seem to get a lot from kicking ass. esp. when you are drunk...

If I won the lottery, would you quit you job to come work for me and be my personal barista?

Amber said...

Hell yeah, I'd be the traveling barrista if people paid me to make them coffee.

This and That said...

just please don't go buy some giant icecube to stand on, tie a rope around your neck and crank up the heat.....that was the Joy Division guy who did that, right?

To lose yourself, I suggest going to one of the many splendid offerings Dance St.Louis is offering this season. ;)

bt said...

I will hold you to that.

In the mean time, you need to go get some ass kicking done or take some time OFF.

Hannah said...

On the TV and in the streets:
Greenpeace protesters
Arabs burning the U.S. flag
Politicians debating
Me flipping a finger at a rude motorist
MTV Rap (U.S)
The guy next to me on the train shoving his newspaper in my face

All these situations have hate/anger in common.

I don't think the way you feel is uncommon. The Buddhists believe it stems from that painful place of suffering in humans that has the potential to save humans from their own hate.

What does it mean? Hell if I know...I think I will take a nap.

Amber said...

If we could save ourselves, would we be doing all of this now? Good question.
Cynical part of me says, yes, we would.
Stupid, naive and hopeful part of me says, if only we truly understood.
One of these days I'm going to write something nice, and happy.

If you believe that, you don't know me.

Seriously though, I'm going to get through this, and I won't be worse for it, and I want to be able to say that with conviction.

S E E Quine said...

` I think I'm the color of golden wheat, shiny and glowing and being a person instead of being hit by all the crap that's been happening.
` (More than that which has been on my blog - only the funniest and weirdest has been preserved there.)
` I may not have a job, but I am insanely busy nonetheless and have had stuff stolen and it's very annoying.
` On the upside, Riff Raff from Rocky Horror is very nice to me. Thanks to him, I may get an acting job somewhere!

This and That said...

my turn today....'Fuck this!'...thanks for letting me vent on your blog Amber. Hope you are feeling better.

Amber said...

I am, still tired, but one of these days things will be blissfully calm and *gasp* I might even get bored. Oh, I can't wait!
Hope you're feeling better after venting?